Attitudes

The limits of GGG.

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There are several philosophies to live by when it comes to sex and one's partners. One of those is Dan Savage's GGG, or good, giving and game: "GGG stands for 'good, giving, and game,' which is what people engaging in sex should strive to be. Think 'good in bed,' 'giving equal time and equal pleasure,' and 'game for anything—within reason.'"

However, there are limits, and this relates to what we were talking about in class last week - how to fit atypical sexual preferences into a sexual relationship that is otherwise typical. It's also worth mentioning that vanilla sex, or typical sex, is becoming the equivalent of being described as boring. In other words, it's starting to be seen in a negative light. Is there really anything wrong with vanilla sex?

Dan Savage posted the following letter to Savage Love:

It seems like a lot of the questions lately have been from straight women saying things like, "I want to be GGG, so I agreed to do this fantasy for my husband/boyfriend..." Um.

Is "wanting to be GGG" the only reason they're agreeing to these fantasies? It doesn't sound like any of them particularly WANT to be a part of the action, they're just agreeing to make the male partner happy, and because they want to seem cool and fun and agreeable, and they also probably want to keep the guy from straying and seeking fulfillment elsewhere. Which I guess is fine, but I'm not getting the sense that the dudes in these relationships are doing anything similar for their ladies—they're not going outside their comfort zones to accommodate their female partners desires. It doesn't really seem like a super great deal for these women.

Maybe you should clarify that GGG doesn't have to mean "pretending one's own reservations don't exist." It just seems like a lot of women are falling into this "must be cool and not nag and go along with what he wants" trap and your GGG concept is playing into that. I just really feel like there are not a similar amount of guys almost desperate to prove how GGG they are by going along with their female partners' desires and fantasies.

Troubling To Me

His response:

People should be "good, giving, and game" for their partners. But GGG doesn't mean a person has to do any damn thing their partner wants. I've been hammering away at that point for as long as I've been promoting the GGG concept. Here, for example, is some recent advice I gave to a woman who was wondering if her "GGG Card" would be revoked if she refused to vomit on her partner:

Let's revisit my original definition of GGG: "GGG stands for good, giving, and game, which is what we should all strive to be for our sex partners. Think good in bed, giving equal time and equal pleasure, and game for anything—within reason."

Some kinksters skip past the "within reason" part of the definition when they're discussing kinks with vanilla partners. They shouldn't. Extreme bondage or SM, shit and puke, emotionally tricky humiliation play, demanding that your partner have sex with other people because it turns you on (asking your partner to assume all of the physical risks that go along with that, to say nothing of the emotional risks for a partner who isn't interested in having sex with other people), etc.—all of that falls under the FTF exclusion, or a "fetish too far," which you'll find in the fine print on the back of your GGG card, PUKE.

There are definite risks when someone heads out of his or her sexual comfort zone to please a partner. But anyone who learned about being GGG by reading my column will also have learned about the importance of good communication, mutual respect, and honoring a partner's boundaries. And sometimes respect for a partner's boundaries—respect for a partner's limits—means a particular fantasy/kink/desire is forever off the table.

Read the rest here.

Atypical sexual preferences on Reddit.

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In class, we discovered that many people (i.e., students) have atypical sexual preferences that they find weird, cause them distress (i.e., shame, embarrassment, guilt, etc.), and/or they wouldn't disclose to their partners. These types of preferences are not uncommon. There have been several threads on Reddit devoted to atypical sexual preferences; they provide a glimpse at what some people like, and how that can play out in relationships. Click on the following links to check them out. I've also provided some screenshot samples below (click to make large - NSFW). What would you consider to be the strangest thing that you like sexually?

What's the weirdest thing your SO asked you to do in bed and did you do it?

Ex-prostitutes of reddit, what was the weirdest thing you ever got hired for?

Click to make larger:

Atypical sexual preferences, guilt and shame.

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Another piece that's too nuanced to be cut up. In its entirety, from xoJane (click the link to get to the comments section, which is worth reading in and of itself):

TRIGGER WARNING: sexual violence.

Hit Me Baby, One More Time: Slapping, Spitting, Name-Calling and Other Sex Preferences I Feel Guilty About by Emily McCombs [check out more about Emily here]

I might prefer that my big controversial sex preferences involved whipped cream or whatever instead of wanting to be slapped in the face during intercourse, but that is not the hand I was dealt.

I feel bad about my BangBus.

Not while I'm actually watching it. Sexual arousal doesn't leave a lot of room for ambivalence and who stops masturbating to ponder the political implications of what they're getting off to? I can barely stop masturbating if someone else comes in the room, much less to make way for niggling feminist guilt.

But occasionally, when someone asks me if I watch porn, I feel embarassed to say that the only porn I regularly watch is founded on the (scripted) premise that a bunch of dudes are driving around in a van coercing women into having sex on camera with the promise of cash, before dumping them by the side of the road, shouting insults as they peel away.

Yep, that's what my vagina's into.

She unfortunately doesn't consult me much on what turns her on, and she never checks the current political climate, or she definitely would NOT be aroused by all the degrading, violent stuff she has shown a marked interest in over the years. I'm starting to feel weird about personifying my vagina in this way, so I'm going to shift gears.

I consider myself to err on the side of sexual submission. I have never been into the performative aspects of it all -- I am not some weird sex LARPer who wants to wear costumes and address each other as "Master" and "Slave." I don't want to go to special events, I shouldn't have to wear pleather just to get it done, and I don't want to "play." I want to have weird sex with weird people who like weird things, like an adult.

Some of those weird things that I like include: rough breast play including slapping, clothespins and ropes; name-calling of the slut-bitch-whore variety; forced deepthroating; facials; "Daddy" talk; rape play; spanking; dirty talk; hair-pulling; group sex; anal; and basically anything else filthy/nasty/taboo/found in your average pornographic video. Also, and here's the stuff that's more for special occasions and that I don't want to admit on a site for ladies: being slapped, being spit on, being choked, being urinated on.

Does that sound like a list of nightmares to you? To me it sounds like a delightful Tuesday evening.

I don't begrudge anyone their role as captain of their own sexual steamship. Desire is complicated and tricky to regulate -- I don't think I could stop being turned on by being treated "badly" any easier than a gay man could suddenly start being attracted to women. I might prefer that my big controversial sex preferences involved whipped cream or whatever instead of wanting to be slapped in the face during intercourse, but that is not the hand I was dealt.

A lot of factors go into the creation of a fetish, just as they do our non-sexual preferences. One of mine is almost certainly trauma. I wish this is something they had told me about rape: that afterward, your brain will try to work out what happened in bizarre, repetitive ways, which may include recreation of the trauma in your fantasies and life. I don't really understand it intellectually, but apparently my brain and heart think they can make things turn out differently this time, somehow reverse the past by taking control of what was once a powerless scenario.

You don't have to have been raped to have fetishes like mine. In fact, I liked a lot of this stuff before the traumatic event. But it's certainly an angle that seems to go unmentioned by those who think admitting that some women have rape fantasies is in some way encouraging men to rape. Are we willing to tell women how they should process their own experiences?

Recently I did a consulting job in which the state of modern sexuality was a major topic of discussion. We were given a presentation from a nervous young PR consultant whose main thesis was that pornography has damaged the state of gender relations irrevocably, that women now feel they can't measure up to the paid actresses and men's desires have been warped by repeated exposure.

"How can men and women be truly equal in a world in which men want to cum on women's faces?" he asked.

These issues are certainly real, but the idea that men consume porn and women are damaged by it seems too rigid to me. We'd all do well to remember that the actors and actresses in films are getting paid to do things that even they might not engage in in real life. I'll do a lot of shit for money I wouldn't do for fun. In reality, not all men want to cum on a woman's face, and a lot of women like having their faces cum on. (Just picture me doing that two thumbs "This guy" gesture right now.)

We all, male and female, live in a world where a wider range of sexual activity is visible and accessible to us. As long as we keep consent, respect and common courtesy top of mind, that fact in itself doesn't have to hurt anybody.

If you don't have fantasies like mine, I can understand the impulse to want to erase them from the world. But women like me and all the other straight freaks in this world stubbornly refuse to be erased. Sex is too important, too essential a life process, to spend our lives faking it. Anybody who thinks I, personally, am going to spend the rest of my life being sweetly made love to while I cry tears of sheer, uncut BOREDOM is out of their freaking minds.

Sometimes I hear women say that by engaging in "politically incorrect" sex, we are sending a message to men that all women want to be treated in such a manner. But consensual sexual activity, even if it resembles some non consensual sexual activity, isn't rape any more than movie murder is real murder. And while some people certainly think we should eliminate movie violence lest it drive the easily influenced to commit violent acts, we're not talking about movies here. We're talking about people. And you can't eliminate people or ask them to eliminate parts of themselves, no matter how messy or unappealing their desires may seem to you.

Since we can't erase reality, we better start dealing in nuance.

Getting slapped and called a slut because it turns me on and I've asked for it is not abuse. The men who want to do that are not abusers; in fact a lot of them are some of the nicest and most respectful men I've met outside of the bedroom. Rape play and rape are never going to be the same thing. And pretending that the two are similar is actually way more confusing and dangerous than clearly differentiating them.

If our men truly can't tell the difference between hurting, abusing and degrading a woman, and participating in consensual play utilizing some of these elements, then the problem lies with them and sexual education in our society, not with those temptingly rape-able women who enjoy rough play.

If you are still confused, consider this: After we're done, when I'm spent from being used, being told I'm a filthy whore as you hold me down or toss me around or hit me if those are the boundaries we've agreed upon, when I'm covered in saliva and sweat and bodily fluids, look at my face. I will be smiling.

That's the difference.

The "Gay Voice".

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From Vice:

David Thorpe and Dan Savage Have a Lot to Say about the “Gay Voice” by Regan Reid

David Thorpe sounds gay. And, though Thorpe is gay, for a long time, it really bothered him. But it bothered him more that he was bothered at all. So he decided to make a documentary about it. He talked to voice coaches and linguists about how and why some people “sound gay.” He worked hard to “sound straight.” He interviewed historians about the cultural history of the gay voice. And he talked to famous gay celebrities, like Tim Gunn, Dan Savage, and David Sedaris, about accepting how you sound and who you really are.

I met up with Thorpe and Dan Savage during the Toronto International Film Festival to discuss Thorpe's debut feature documentary, Do I Sound Gay? We were seated in a crowded restaurant at the Intercontinental Hotel in Toronto and, after we all got over our excitement that Jennifer Connelly and Paul Bettany were sitting behind us (at least we thought it was them), we talked about what it means to “sound gay,” the use of the gay voice in kids movies, and one particularly contentious Louis C.K. skit.

VICE: When you set out to make this film, what did you want to accomplish? And how did that change over the course of making the film?

David Thorpe: I wanted to come to terms with my voice, whatever that meant. I broke up with a boyfriend, I had no confidence and I was on this trip to Fire Island that I should have been excited about, but instead of being excited, all I could think about was how much I hated the voices of the chattering gay men around me. That felt like a real low point for me, because I fought so hard to come out and embrace being gay, and I've really fought hard for the gay community as an LGBTQ and AIDS activist, and advocacy journalist. I couldn't believe that I was in my 40s and still hated sounding gay and was afraid of sounding gay. So, for me, the real Come-to-Jesus moment making the film was when I interviewed one of the men on the street, the young guy who says: I wish I didn't sound gay. I can't get a boyfriend because I'm too effeminate.”

He said other things that were not in the film, but he essentially said, I hate my voice and I wish I could change it. And I just thought, holy crap, what's going on?

Go read the rest here.

Child porn or art?

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It's the story of a dad accused of being a child pornographer for sharing photos of his daughter. In some, she's naked. He had no sexual intent - he's a professional photographer and the photos are all simply innocent candids that he posted to Instagram. The story seems to be polarizing people; I'd be curious to hear what you think. TRIGGER WARNING: discussion of pedophilia, child porn, child sexual abuse.

In April 2014 photographer Wyatt Neumann went on a two week road trip with his two year old daughter Stella. Over the course of the trip Neumann photographed his daughter in various locations, sometimes with clothes on, sometimes without.


Being a woman.

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This video has gone viral and there has been a pile of commentary published about it.

Creator/Owner/Director: Rob Bliss Creative- A Viral Video Agency - http://robblisscreative.com/ Business/Media Contact: rob@robblisscreative.com Talent: Shoshana B. Roberts - http://shoshanabroberts.wix.com/shoshanabroberts Video Effects Consultant: Kevin Budzynski - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3345388/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1 Audio Production/Assistance: Peter Fox - http://www.peterfoxrecording.com/ for further discussion regarding the demographics of this video: http://bit.ly/1sAxkcA

For a good discussion (including race) with links to other pieces, check out this article at the New York Times: link.

A lot of guys (and some women) simply don't get it: e.g., "They're just saying good morning!" But do they say good morning to everyone, or just woman who they find attractive? A Reddit user did her best to explain it. I copied it in its entirety (full thread here):

Between the original video and the parody one, I see a lot of the same reactions, generally from men. "But that's not catcalling! Lots of people just wanted to say hi or good morning!" "She gets more compliments in 10 hours than I get all year." "How am I supposed to get to know someone if I can't even say hello?" "Ok, maybe being talked to is annoying, but come on...harassment?" and "Oh, yeah, it must be REALLY HARD being attractive." I get it. I understand that when you haven't experienced something, it's hard to understand. So I'd like to give to a brief explanation as to WHY it feels so awful to be shouted at every few minutes while you are just trying to exist in this world.

Let's pretend you have something lots of people want. Maybe you're famous or rich or powerful. In fact, let's go with something lots of people on reddit understand: let's say you're a whiz at computers. You've always been great at them, and when you hit college you finally decided to make it your career.

Of course, people know you're a whiz. When you were in high school, your parents always had you fix their computer, and maybe they made you go over to your grandparents house and teach them how to do simple stuff on it. It wasn't a big deal, and you liked using your skill to make other people happy. It made you feel good to be acknowledged for your talents, too.

But as you've grown, your social circle has widened, and now that it's your career path, everyone knows that you're a whiz. And the requests start coming more often. Your friend thinks he has a virus. Your cousin who you never speak to is having an issue getting his printer to work. A facebook "friend" wants to make a wordpress site and heard you were good at that. Your brother in law just can't get his wireless router set up.

It starts to really grate on you. You recognize a pattern...someone whom you don't talk to that often will send you text, email or facebook message, and it always starts off nicely with the "how are you"s, but within 3 or 4 minutes of small talk they will get to what they really want. You realize that the more you do for people, the more they want; and if you accommodate everyone, you would never have any time for yourself. So you decide to start being more assertive and tell people (nicely) "no."

Well, that was a fucking mistake. There is now hostility in your family because no one can understand why you were so rude to Uncle Joe, it would have just taken you a half hour to set up his new monitor, why would you be such a dick about it? And now you've been unfriended on Facebook by several people, your boss is pissed and you're worried now about job prospects down the line.

You obviously handled that poorly, you think. But you're still unwilling to spend 5-10 hours a week doing favors for people who seem pretty ungrateful, so you just change the way you deal with requests. You don't sign on to social media much anymore, and emails keep getting "lost." You try to ignore as many requests in as many ways as possible, thinking that if you don't say no, people won't get angry. Weeeeell, that was a lost cause. People are just as mad as before. In fact, it seems that the only thing that will make people happy is to do what they're asking...no one seems to care how this impacts you, because they just want what they want when they want it.

This starts to color all of your other interactions. Now, every time an old friend randomly wants to reconnect with you, you get a knot in your stomach. You read emails knowing that at the end of all of the sucking up and small talk, there's a good chance for an ask at the end. And because you've had so many hostile reactions when you tried to stand up for yourself, all of these reactions are now colored with that.

Maybe your old middle school crush really is just trying to say hi, but you've been through this before and you know the odds are on the fact that she wants something from you. This is now the way you look at most people. It wears you down. You don't understand why people can't respect your right to just be left alone, and why you can't find a space that is free from all the asks. You know your dread at seeing a simple facebook message seems unreasonable, but damn. If people only understood how many you get, and what it has led to. It's become a big thing in your life somehow, and you fucking hate it.

Now, this little comparison isn't really the best, because it doesn't deal with the actual scary shit that women get constantly...being followed in the streets, sometimes with people in cars. A guy walking down the street and putting his arm around you while he starts a conversation. The touching. The slurs of "slut," "cunt," or "whore" when you ignore someone. The threats. The occasional actual violence.

So yeah, I guess some people see someone saying, "Mmmmmm...good morning, mami!" as a nice greeting. But when it is constant, when it is colored with years of experience, when you JUST WANT TO WALK DOWN THE STREET AND LIVE YOUR LIFE....it is gross. So gross. Someone earlier mocked the fact that it was only 100 example of harassment in 600 minutes. When you have random strangers (an ALL men) talking to you every five minutes, when it seems like they all want something from you and there is no good way to respond to it, a simple twenty minute stroll just becomes exhausting.

Sorry for the length of this, and I doubt anyone will read this novel I've just written, but I wanted to explain why this feels the way the way it does for people who simply can't sympathize. I hope this maybe helps a couple of people understand why even "innocent" interactions feel very charged for the women who experience them.

Backburners.

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From Marie Claire:

Do You Have a Romantic Backburner?

If you’ve gotten past the stage of monitoring the ‘last seen’ update during flirty Whatsapp back and forths and getting your guy to be ‘in a relationship’ with you on Facebook, you’d be wrong in thinking the digital foreplay in your life, or his, is over.

According to a study from the University of Indiana, both women and men in relationships are now using Facebook and other digital media to keep in touch with exes or potential romantic partners in case their current relationships don’t work out. The study found that participants in relationships had, on average, up to two ‘back burners’ – people that they had romantic or sexual conversations with other than their current partner. Men also had twice as many back burners as women.

The opportunities to chat to anyone you might potentially be interested in are so abundant and accessible that it’s easy to slip into a situation that is essentially emotional cheating or digital infidelity.

In an article in the Washington Post journalist Caitlin Dewey notes that the strength of a relationship relies on three things: emotional investment, satisfaction and the availability of other partners. The world of digital networks means that we’re all connected to more potential partners than ever before, which means that relationships are tested more than ever.

But this doesn’t necessarily mean that your partner will leave as soon as someone better comes along. The study found no correlation between the existence of back burners and partners’ commitment to relationships. Perhaps this is just a new form of emotional security that will become, if it hasn’t already, a normal part of our lives. On the other hand, as if relationships were not difficult enough to maintain already, it’s one more challenge to overcome.

More about the same study at The Atlantic.

One third of American marriages begin online.

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From USA Today (published last year):

Study: More Than A Third Of New Marriages Start Online by Sharon Jayson

More than a third of recent marriages in the USA started online, according to a study out Monday that presents more evidence of just how much technology has taken hold of our lives.

[…]

The research, based on a survey of more than 19,000 individuals who married between 2005 and 2012, also found relationships that began online are slightly happier and less likely to split than those that started offline.

Findings, published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, put the percentage of married couples that now meet online at almost 35% -- which gives what may be the first broad look at the overall percentage of new marriages that result from meeting online. About 45% of couples met on dating sites; the rest met on online social networks, chat rooms, instant messaging or other online forums.

[…]

While Cacioppo is a noted researcher and the study is in a prestigious scientific journal, it is not without controversy. It was commissioned by the dating website eHarmony, according to the study's conflict of interest statement. Company officials say eHarmony paid Harris Interactive $130,000 to field the research. Cacioppo has been a member of eHarmony's Scientific Advisory Board since it was created in 2007. In addition, former eHarmony researcher Gian Gonzaga is one of the five co-authors.

[…]

"It's a very impressive study," says social psychologist Eli Finkel of Northwestern University in Evanston, Ill. "But it was paid for by somebody with a horse in the race and conducted by an organization that might have an incentive to tell this story.

"Does this study suggest that meeting online is a compelling way to meet a partner who is a good marriage prospect for you? The answer is 'absolutely,'" he says. But it's "premature to conclude that online dating is better than offline dating."

Read the whole thing here.

Christmas tree or sex toy?

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From NewNowNext:

Parisians Mistake Inflatable Christmas Tree For 80-Foot Sex Toy

Tis the season to be cheeky: It’s only October, but artist Paul McCarthy has already gifted Paris with an 80-foot Christmas tree, erected in the venerable Place Vendome. But the sculpture, simply named “Tree,” has sparked outrage in the City treeof Lights because passersby are mistaking it for a giant green sex toy.

McCarthy is known for provocative sculptures, like a giant inflatable pile of poop in Hong Kong, Santa Claus holding a phallic tree in Rotterdam and two animatronic George W. Bushes having sex with pigs in London. So we can call this a tree, but no one’s fooled.

Least of all the anti-gay group French Spring, which protested France’s marriage equality law. The group tweeted their disapproval on Wednesday, writing “A sex toy giant 24m high will Be installed at Place Vendome. Taxpayers , this is where your your tax dollars are going!”

The group also says the work “disfigured” the Place Vendome and has “humiliated” Paris.

In all fairness, if Paris was worried about being humiliated by a giant phallic structure, it would’ve thrown a modesty sheet over the Eiffel Tower 125 years ago.

See more photos here.

Some ponderings on threesomes.

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From NY Mag:

Just How Preposterous Is the Fantasy of No-Strings Threesomes? By Maureen O'Connor

[…]

Three-way sex may have a reputation as libertinish, profligate, ­promiscuous. But in just about every way the three-way defies and distorts the no-strings plus-one fantasy — instead reflecting and refracting our understanding of commitment. Beginning with what it means to couples, who often see it as a way of branching out. But the more I talked to couples about their threesomes, the more it seemed a third person forces the other two to realize exactly how much — or little — they have in common. At a time when the most universal sexual imperatives seem to be communication and shared pleasure, three-ways have shifted toward the cult of romance — sexual fantasy sublimated into intense coupling. They’re for the couple who share everything, including mistresses. Assuming, of course, they can find a willing mistress. “They should call this app Unicorn Hunter,” a straight 31-year-old grumbled to me on 3nder.

[…]

But even among those more likely to visit New Zealand, three-ways remain a common form of monogamist escapist fantasy. My friend Maya (her name and some others have been changed) considers three-way flirtation the ultimate win-win “sexual white lie”: “Just hot enough to make you sound kinky, without being kinky enough to scare off more conservative men. And the logistics involved are so intricate that it’s rarely going to come to fruition anyway.” Normally, she considers herself “too insecure and afraid of getting left out to actually do it,” articulating a common three-way fear: jealousy and rivalry breaking the couple apart.

Read the rest here.

New research on sexting.

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From PsychCentral:

Is Sexting Normal? By Rick Nauert PhD

Provocative new research suggests sexting may be a new “normal” part of adolescent sexual development and is not strictly limited to at-risk teens.

Researchers have published their findings on teenage sexting and future sexual activity in the journal Pediatrics.

[…]

Investigators believe this shows that sexting behavior is a normal sign of teenage sexual activity. This belief is buttressed by the failure to discover a link between sexting and risky sexual behavior over time.

In other words, sexting may be becoming a part of growing up.

“We now know that teen sexting is fairly common,” said Dr. Jeff Temple, an associate professor and psychologist at University of Texas Medical Branch at Galveston (UTMB).

“For instance, sexting may be associated with other typical adolescent behaviors such as substance use. Sexting is not associated with either good or poor mental well-being.”

[…]

In the analysis, Temple and a postdoctoral research fellow at UTMB, Hye Jeong Choi, Ph.D., examined data from the second and third years of their study to determine whether teen sexting predicted sexual activity one year later.

They found that the odds of being sexually active as high school juniors was slightly higher for youth who sent a sext, or naked picture of themselves, the previous year, compared to teens who did not sext.

Just as importantly, they did not find sexting to be linked with later risky sexual behaviors.

An important component of the study is the distinction between actively sending a nude picture versus asking or being asked for a nude picture. Researchers found that actually sending a sext was the important part of the link between sexting and sexual behavior, as opposed to merely asking or being asked for a nude picture.

Read the rest here.

No more 'gay panic' defence in California.

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From PinkNews:

US: California Governor Signs Law Outlawing ‘Gay Panic’ Legal Defense

The Governor of California has signed a law outlawing the use of the so-called ‘gay panic’ defense.

The defense – which is often used to get more lenient sentences for criminals after assaults and murders – is based around the claim that a perpetrator was “panicked” into committing a violent crime due to an unwanted advance from a gay person.

More recently, the panic defense has also been used to justify crimes against transgender people after discovering their gender identity.

Rights campaigners have long argued that it is deeply homophobic, and last month a bill axing it was passed by the state assembly by a vote of 50-10.

It was yesterday signed into law by Governor Jerry Brown, making California the first state in the US to expressly outlaw it.

Jordan Blair Woods, a law fellow at the Williams Institute UCLA said: “The gay and transgender panic defenses did not appear until the late 1960s, and rely on outdated ideas that homosexuality and gender non-conformity are mental diseases.

“Since then, the defense has appeared in court opinions in approximately one-third of the states.” Brad Sears, Executive Director of the Williams Institute, added: “This bill not only changes the law in California, but creates a model for other states to follow to eliminate the use of gay and transgender panic defenses in other states.”

‘Gay panic’ defences still exist in varying forms around the world, and in 2009 a man was acquitted of a double murder in Spain, after he claimed he burned down the home of an engaged gay couple due to “an unbearable fear”.

The best-known case of the gay panic defence was in the murder of US student Matthew Shepard. He was killed in October 1998 on the outskirts of Laramie, Wyoming, by two men he had met in a bar. Local residents Aaron McKinney and Russell Henderson, both 21 at the time, were charged with his murder. They told the prosecution they suffered “a moment of insanity” when he allegedly made sexual advances to him. Shephard was robbed, beaten and left to die tied to a fence. Both men are serving consecutive double life sentences.

Vulva cookies gone wrong.

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From NewsLinQ:

Mom Bakes Vagina Cookies For Second Grade Class. Wait….What?

The parent of a second grade student brought some very questionable cookies to her child’s class recently. The cookies were so strange that someone in the class couldn’t help but share the story behind them on reddit.

Posting on behalf of the teacher, reddit user JPstudly writes that the teacher asks a volunteer parent to bring snacks in for her students each week to reward good behavior. This week, a parent going by the pseudonym Autumn volunteered to bake some cookies and bring them to the class. When Autumn delivered the cookies, she told the teacher to use them as an opportunity to teach her students about vaginas. What do cookies have to do with vaginas? Our teacher was about to find out. Here’s what happened next.

“Baffled and completely caught off guard I slowly peel the aluminum foil off the pan to behold a plethora of sugar cookie and frosting vaginas,” the teacher writes. “Not just any old vagina, but ALL KINDS OF VAGINAS. There were small, puffy, white, brown, shaved, bald, and even a fire crotch with beef curtains. Perplexed, I give the parent the most professional look I can muster and quietly reply ‘I’m sorry Autumn, but I can’t give these to my students. This just isn’t appropriate.’”

That’s when things got ugly.

Autumn snapped back and said the teacher “should be proud of [her] vagina,” and accused her of “settling for woman’s role in life.” Mind you, all of this happened in front of the students.

The teacher says she had no choice but to “stand and stare at the woman as the word ‘vagina’ is yelled in front of my second grade class about 987,000 times. Finally after what seemed like an eternity, she storms out of the class leaving her vagina cookies on my desk.”

Later that night, the teacher received a scathing email from Autumn. In it, Autumns says the teacher is “closed minded” and “settled for less when you became a teacher because that is known for a women’s job.” She says that women need to stand together and “inform people about the vagina and how to please it.” She closes the email by saying “I hope you end up with an abusive husband that beats on you every night.”

Check out the email here and the Reddit thread here.

Men get waxed.

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When these guys agreed to get bikini waxes, they had no idea what they were getting themselves into. So much pain. Share on Facebook: http://on.fb.me/ZvjikQ Like BuzzFeedVideo on Facebook: http://on.fb.me/18yCF0b Share on Twitter: http://bit.ly/ZvjkcA Special thanks to ZENii http://www.zeniila.com/ MUSIC "Bandidos De Banderos" Licensed via Warner Chappell Production Music Inc.

Documentary: Unhung Hero.

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This documentary did the film festival circuit last year and now is available on Netlflix (thanks for the heads-up Hayley!). Description:

When Patrick Moote's girlfriend rejects his marriage proposal at a UCLA basketball game on the jumbotron, it unfortunately goes viral and hits TV networks worldwide. Days after the heartbreaking debacle, she privately reveals why she can't be with him forever: Patrick's small penis. Unhung Hero is the real life journey of Patrick as he boldly sets out to expose this extremely personal chapter of his life by confronting ex-girlfriends, doctors, anthropologists and even adult film stars. Patrick has a lot of turf to cover on his globe trotting adventure to finally answer the age old question: Does size matter?

Facebook page.

Trailer: 

DVD Release: December 2013 Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Unhung-Hero-Patrick-Moote/dp/B00F7K5Q3O iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/movie/unhung-hero/id784493975 https://www.facebook.com/unhungheromovie When Patrick Moote's girlfriend rejects his marriage proposal at a UCLA basketball game on the jumbotron, it unfortunately goes viral and hits TV networks worldwide. Days after the heartbreaking debacle, she privately reveals why she can't be with him forever: Patrick's small penis.

One woman's experience taking the pledge.

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In this piece, the authour recounts her experiences growing up in a church where girls were expected to take the virginity pledge. The piece is extremely critical. The comments at the bottom are worth reading as a counterpoint. Along those lines, it's important to remember that many people who remain abstinent until marriage are happy they did so, and that many people who had sex as kids wish they had waited, or had done so under different conditions or with someone else. Alternatively, there are also many, many people who are happy that they had sex before being married. In other words, this woman's experiences do not reflect everyone's, although I'm sure they resonate with many.

From XO Jane:

It Happened To Me: I Waited Until Marriage Night To Lose My Virginity And I Wish I Hadn't by Samantha Pugsley

[…]

At the age of 10, I took a pledge at my church alongside a group of other girls to remain a virgin until marriage. Yes, you read that right -- I was 10 years old.

[…]

The church taught me that sex was for married people. Extramarital sex was sinful and dirty and I would go to Hell if I did it. I learned that as a girl, I had a responsibility to my future husband to remain pure for him. It was entirely possible that my future husband wouldn't remain pure for me, because he didn't have that same responsibility, according to the Bible. And of course, because I was a Christian, I would forgive him for his past transgressions and fully give myself to him, body and soul.

Once I got married, it would be my duty to fulfill my husband's sexual needs. I was told over and over again, so many times I lost count, that if I remained pure, my marriage would be blessed by God and if I didn't that it would fall apart and end in tragic divorce.

I believed it. Why wouldn't I? I was young and these were people I trusted. Everyone knew I'd taken the virginity vow, of course. Gossip is the lifeblood of the Baptist Church. My parents were so proud of me for making such a spiritual decision. The church congregation applauded my righteousness.

[…]

We were together for six years before we got married. Any time we did anything remotely sexual, guilt overwhelmed me. I wondered where the line was because I was terrified to cross it. Was he allowed to touch my breasts? Could we look at each other naked? I didn't know what was considered sexual enough to condemn my future marriage and send me straight to Hell.

An unhealthy mixture of pride, fear, and guilt helped me keep my pledge until we got married. In the weeks before our wedding, I often got congratulated on keeping my virginity for so long. The comments ranged from curious (how in the world did you manage?) to downright disgusting (I bet you're going to have one busy wedding night!). I let them place me on the pedestal as their virginal, perfect-Christian-girl mascot.

I lost my virginity on my wedding night, with my husband, just as I had promised that day when I was 10 years old. I stood in the hotel bathroom beforehand, wearing my white lingerie, thinking, "I made it. I'm a good Christian." There was no chorus of angels, no shining light from Heaven. It was just me and my husband in a dark room, fumbling with a condom and a bottle of lube for the first time.

Sex hurt. I knew it would. Everyone told me it would be uncomfortable the first time. What they didn't tell me is that I would be back in the bathroom afterward, crying quietly for reasons I didn't yet comprehend. They didn't tell me that I'd be on my honeymoon, crying again, because sex felt dirty and wrong and sinful even though I was married and it was supposed to be okay now.

When we got home, I couldn't look anyone in the eye. Everyone knew my virginity was gone. My parents, my church, my friends, my co-workers. They all knew I was soiled and tarnished. I wasn't special anymore. My virginity had become such an essential part of my personality that I didn't know who I was without it.

It didn't get better. I avoided undressing in front of my husband. I tried not to kiss him too often or too amorously so I wouldn't lead him on. I dreaded bedtime. Maybe he'd want to have sex.

Read the entire piece here.